Do You Copy?

By Carrington Vanston // 2004 Jan 21

I used to be all for human cloning. I knew the difference between cloning and photocopying, and I understood the simple concept that cloning somebody produces a "genetically identical" person rather than an "entirely identical" person. It was fun taking the rational side of the debate. But those days are over.

I'll admit it was fun using thoughtful consideration to decide my stance instead of knee-jerk hysteria. Plus I enjoyed laughing at the anti-cloning arguments made by politicians, clerics and movie producers (who are, as we all know, the three groups best able to grasp and pontificate upon advanced scientific concepts).

But I'm giving in. I've decided to give up the fight and side with the sophists. I'm weary of weathering wave after wave of fallacious newspaper articles, film plots, and radio chat shows. I'm going to pick up my picket sign and join the shout of "Hey hey, ho ho, inevitable scientific advancement has got to go!"

But first, I want to make sure I have our arguments straight so I can fight the good fight against cloning.

To start with, we're afraid that somebody will produce an army of Hitlers, right? Sure, we understand what that would require: first finding his DNA, then finding an army of women willing to be impregnated with Hitler babies, then sending that army of tiny-mustache babies back in time to raise them with Hitler's exact influences until they all simultaneously rise to power in pre-World War II Germany. But the strength of our stance lies in our conviction not our logic. I get that now. I'm one of us.

[aside]

Whoops, gotta watch my phrasing.

[end of aside]

I think we're also worried that cloning humans will lead to all kinds of "playing god" as scientist run willy nilly about their labs with our genetic code. I now embrace our fears, irrational though they are. I agree that we must stop those damn Frankensteins from knocking off copies of us or our bits.

If we go blind, we don't want any damned cloned eyes that would let us see again--god wants us to be blind! If we have an organ fail, we'd rather gamble on our body rejecting a transplant instead of using one of those evil cloned sure-things--god wants us to roll the dice! If we have a flawed or mutated gene, we'd rather leave it to chance whether our kids will be born with debilitating diseases--god helps those who steadfastly refuse to help themselves!

I's pretty easy to tell which is the evil twin: it's the one with the goatee.

Let's see, what else? Oh right: we're going to have to outlaw abortion. We're certainly not pro-lifers since we're arguing that the government should make laws restricting our reproductive rights while imposing protection upon embryonic cells. So that's it for abortion and it explains why the "religious right" is so keen on the cloning debate: it's a terrific back door to reversing current abortion laws.

This religious aspect ties into the main argument, and the big fear, which is that clones are unnatural. They might not even have any soul (or at least a limited ability to sing R&B).

Now that I've embraced our side of the debate, I accept that we must do away with cloning because genetic equivalency is abhorrent. Of course, that also means we must kill one of every twin. Those natural clones are...unnatural. In fact, since twins are born at the same time and generally raised together they will be far more similar than any clone raised decades apart from her genetic donor.

I'm not ashamed to admit I'm afraid.

While it's pretty easy to tell which is the evil twin (it's the one with the goatee) I think it'd be best to play it safe and have them all fight to the death for my amusement. We can set up gladiatorial rings and use loudspeakers to pump in Star Trek fight music.

You know, I'm starting to really enjoy my new anti-cloning stance. It's so much easier and more fun than having to ensure my arguments are informed or logical. I love being able to pretend my irrational fears are really a highly developed social conscience.

I'd love to say I look forward to the day when the debate is over and we have won, but even with my newfound anti-cloning belief I still recognize our stance as being about as tenable as every other time politicians and religious leaders attempted to impose limits on scientific advancement.

Somehow, much to our terrible disappointment, we ended up with an Earth that wasn't at the center of the universe, an Earth that was round, an Earth that was too old, an Earth that was too big, and monkeys as our ancestors.

While snobbish future generations may very well scoff at our anti-cloning trepidation much as we now scoff at bloodletting and phrenology, at least we have the satisfaction of knowing we used up all their oil and they're stuck with our landfills.

So there.

My MugshotCarrington Vanston is a humorist and atheist. Or vice versa. He wrote and directed the long forthcoming feature film Duck Duck Goose. He has written two tiny plays which had two tiny productions: The Sound Of Two Hands Typing and Stark Raving Happy. He speaks three languages fluently, but two of them are English with a silly accent. The third is English with a slightly less silly accent. He can pronounce his full name backwards, he has a favorite mathematical equation, and he wants that $2 you owe him. Carrington should be stored in a cool, dry place, and may explode if heated.

Current Projects: a film + a novel + to do before I die
Projects on Pause: a webcomic + a podcast
Destinations: my bookmarks