Klaatu Barada Knock-Knock
By Carrington Vanston // 2005 Jan 24
I cocked an ear toward the Sounds of Titan page at the European Space Agency web site. It's cool to hear sounds from another world, but the choice of sounds is a stellar waste.
You can imagine (because you are bright and have a good imagination, or so you insist) how disappointed I was to discover there were just two sounds available and both were crap.
Space crap, sure, but crap nonetheless.
The first one is called "acoustic during descent" and it's a cheesy "fire retro-rockets" sound. Basically, it sounds like wind or static or somebody saying "whoosh." Super.
The second one is called "radar conversion" and it was clearly put there to make me long for the joys of the first one. I won't be surprised when the ESA finally admits this is a sample from Yars' Revenge.
I can't be the only one who thinks it would like distilling the essence of awesome to hear something more tangible recorded on another world. I don't want low fidelity bleeps and blips, I want something for which I have an on-Earth context. I want a song.
Why oh why didn't any of the pocket protector wearers at the ESA think of giving the Titan lander a little speaker to play a song and then record what it sounds like on another world? That'd be so much cooler, and more informative, than fuzzy radar blurps.
I won't be surprised when the ESA finally admits this is a sample from Yars' Revenge.
Imagine being able to hear what Aretha Franklin or Buddy Holly sounds like on another world? Coolest. Thing. Ever.
I suspect the ESA could've recouped the cost of the entire mission through pay-per-listen fees by simply including a little flash memory drive full o' MP3s and presenting the first extra terrestrial concert.
Or how about a web page where you could submit a sound to be relayed to the lander and played on another world? Mind bogglingly cool. I know I'd fork over a spoonful of bucks to be able to pick a song to be played on Titan. Or better yet to be able to send my own voice across an alien landscape.
Best of all, this would set a great precedent. I'd love it if we started doing this every time we planted a lander on another planet or moon, because that means some day when we finally land on some place that's populated we can really freak out the indigenous people.
It's one thing for an Earth probe to plunk itself down in the middle of a bunch of Grebulons on Planet X, but it's a whole 'nother level of cool to follow that up with a screaming guitar riff.
Or, if I had my way, it'd just start playing jokes at them. Feed them some Bob Hope or Henny Youngman. Do the Grebulons have roads and chickens and their own philosophies of why the latter crosses the former?
I'd love it if the first message we received back from an alien civilization was "How fat is she...?"
Then on that fateful day when UFOs finally float down through Earth's atmosphere to land on Capital Hill (or more likely the Mall of America), they'll extend their ramps and out will walk a Grebulon resplendent in its silvery jumpsuit. It will pause dramatically, and then probably open with something like "We have flown across the great expanse of the galaxy to greet you in peace, and boy are our arms tired."
And we'll probably shoot him in the head. Because, you know, that's what we do. I wonder how you say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in Grebulon?
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Carrington Vanston is a humorist and atheist. Or vice versa. He wrote and directed the long forthcoming feature film Duck Duck Goose. He has written two tiny plays which had two tiny productions: The Sound Of Two Hands Typing and Stark Raving Happy. He speaks three languages fluently, but two of them are English with a silly accent. The third is English with a slightly less silly accent. He can pronounce his full name backwards, he has a favorite mathematical equation, and he wants that $2 you owe him. Carrington should be stored in a cool, dry place, and may explode if heated.