Dove, the soapmongers who crow about their "beauty bars" containing 1/4 moisturizing cream (and presumably 3/4 something unsuitable for mention in advertisements), have a new marketing campaign called "Real Women Have Real Curves."

I'm all for the de-twiggifying of women's body goals, and I certainly support a frontal assault on ambling stick figures like Paris Hilton. But this so-called celebration of "real women with real bodies and real curves" is an ad campaign for, among other things, a cellulite firming cream.

I can accept that Dove wouldn't understand the inherent problem of a hawker of soap and deodorant promoting "real" bodies—real except for the smell, I suppose. After all, this is a company that uses marketing nonsense phrases like "essential nutrients cleansing pillows" without irony.

But now they're using a so-called Campaign For Real Beauty to sell more "intensive firming creams" and "anti-aging night creams," the hypocrites.

This is what it sounds like when Dove lies.

Song in my head: "Living Room" by Tegan & Sara
Hidden band name idea: Pillows Without Irony