Have I become one of THOSE people who immediately call for tech support when something goes wrong rather than first trying to figure it out myself?
Here's the context. Last night at around 10 o'clock I was on the net, and had been for about an hour, when suddenly my net connection was dropped.
aside:
I've always been the one my friends and family call for tech support. I'm the guy who gets the 2AM calls about accidentally erased term papers, and the “don't eat lunch, fix my PC” calls at work. I'm the one who is always told “nothing” when I ask what somebody last did, and I'm the one who understands that “nothing” is code for “it's silly, so I won't admit it—ha ha, try to figure out THIS one!”
I'm the one they call when an unplugged fax machine doesn't work, because I'm the one who has foolishly made it easier to call me than to try to solve the problem themselves. But to be fair, who could be expected to look at the power light before picking up the telephone? None of my relatives, that's for sure.
What my relatives don't realize is that when I ask “what did you last do?” I'm not accusing them, so I'm not fishing for a “nothing.” What I'm hoping to hear is a list of the troubleshooting steps they've taken on their own before calling me. I dream of the day one of them will say, “Well, first I checked that it had power. Then I checked that the telephone line was plugged in and snug. Then I turned off the machine, waited a bit, and turned it back on to retry. I checked that the “ready” light is green, and there are no other lights warning me of a problem like lack of toner or a paper jam. I opened it up to check for a paper jam just in case anyway. Then I looked through the troubleshooting section of the manual I keep under the machine itself, and it suggested I hold down the reset button for 10 seconds. I did that. Then I thought about what was different between this time and the last time that it worked, and I really can't see that I'm doing anything different at all. Then I checked the clock, and I figured you'd be home from work but not in the middle of dinner and not going to bed yet, and I thought it might not be too inconvenient if I called you to ask if you had any suggestions. Is now a good time to handle this, or would you like to call me back?”
That relative would be immediately entered into my will under the category of “Receives All My Worldly Goods.” And not a moment too soon since I'd probably die of shock.
end of aside
Since I had been on the net for about an hour, I knew my connections were good. The PPP server had probably just dropped for some reason, or perhaps I had a noise spike on the line. I looked over at the modem and saw it had three out of four lights green, so all was well except I wasn't connected. I tried to connect again, but no dice.
“Oh well,” I thought, “I'll give their server a bit of time.” Actually, that's only roughly what I thought; the actual quote might have had slightly harsher language.
An hour later, I tried again, but the same dice were not dicing. “Must be problems at Sympatico,” I thought, “gosh darn it and golly gee.” (That quote I'm pretty sure about.) Obviously there'd be no net for me for a while, so I went off to play with my new Apple IIe because it cares not for passing fads like the internet or lowercase characters.
This morning, fully 12 hours after I last tried to connect, I tried again. Still no dice. There simply were no dice to be found anywhere, not even the 12-sided Dungeons & Dragons dice that I used to have around me frequently when I last was using an Apple IIe regularly.
There were still three green lights on the modem, and since I was actually on the net when the service cut out I knew the problem wasn't with my own computer. I gave in and called Sympatico's tech support line. I assumed I'd hear a note on the answering voice mail about what the problem was, and perhaps an estimate of when service would resume. Worst case scenario, I'd talk to a techmonkey and ask him what was up in downtimetown.
While I was waiting in the telephone queue, I prepared to answer the questions the deskjockey would ask. I brought up my Sympatico account information on screen so I'd have it handy. I thought about the first basic questions he'd have to run through in case the problem was isolated to my situation:
What have I recently changed or installed on my computer (“nothing,” I'd delight in saying); am I running Windows XP (“no, I'm using Mac OS X” I'd surprise him with, and wait a very long time while he dug out the dusty Mac support sheets); is the modem powered up (“yes,” I'd say, smugly, not being able to hide the smugliness of my voice and, frankly, not trying to); how many lights are green on the modem (“three,” I'd answer, so quickly he'd know I was anticipating his questions because I'm Smarter Than That, oh silly techmonkey); is the ethernet light on the modem green to show a solid connection to my computer (“no, the other three are green but that ENET light is off” I'd answer with a smirk—hey, wait a second, what was that last answer…?).
My ethernet cable had come slightly out of my PowerBook. Argh and double argh, I can't believe I didn't actually look at which three lights were green. The cable looked like it was connected, but a quick push resulted in a “click” that definitely had the sound of snide laughter to it.
I hung up the telephone before the support person answered so I didn't have to admit what I'd done. I'd hate to admit this to anyone.
So, um, could you please disregard all of the above. Nothing to see here, folks, nothing to see at all. Please move along.
Hey, look over there!
[runs away]
