Klaatu Barada Knock-Knock

2005 Jan 24 // Link // E-mail

It's cool to hear sounds from another world, and along with eating up images* from the Titan landing I scurried over to the Sounds of Titan page at the ESA (European Space Agency) web site as soon as I heard about it.

aside:

*No, "eating up images" wasn't a mixed metaphor, Mr. Smartygrammar, because maybe I eat with my eyes as far as you know. Did you even consider the idea that I'm victim of a rare glandular disorder instead of leaping to the conclusion that you'd caught an error in my sentence structure? No, I didn't think so.

end of aside

You can imagine (because you are bright and have a good imagination, except when it comes to alternative eating lifestyles) how disappointed I was to discover there were just two sounds available and both were crap.

Space crap, sure, but crap.

The first one is called "acoustic during descent" and it's a cheesy "fire retro-rockets" sound. Basically, it sounds like wind or static or somebody saying "whoosh." Super.

The second one is called "radar conversion" and it was clearly put there to make me long for the aural joys of the first one. I won't be terribly surprised when somebody at the ESA finally admits that this is a joke MP3. I'm pretty sure this is a sample from the Yars' Revenge game for an old Atari 2600.

I can't be the only one who thinks it would like distilling the essence of awesome to hear something more tangible recorded on another world. I don't want to hear low fidelity bleeps and blips, I want to hear something for which I have an on-Earth context. I want to hear a song.

Why oh why didn't any of the pencil protector wearers at the ESA think of giving the Titan lander a little speaker to play a song and then record what it sounds like on another world? That'd be so much cooler, and more informative, than fuzzy radar blurps.

Imagine being able to hear what Aretha Franklin or Buddy Holly or The Mr. T Experience sounds like on another world? Coolest. Thing. Ever.

I suspect the ESA could've recouped the cost of the entire mission through pay-per-view fees by simply including a little flash memory drive full o' MP3s and presenting the first pay-per-view extra terrestrial concert.

Or how about a web page where you could submit a sound to be relayed to the lander and played on another world? Mind bogglingly cool. I know I'd cough up some bucks** to be able to pick a song to be played on Titan, or better yet to be able to send my own voice across an alien landscape.

aside:

**Again you jump to the conclusion that I'm mixing metaphors, but you haven't seen my wallet.

end of aside

Best of all, this would set a great precedent. I'd love it if we started doing this every time we planted a lander on another planet or moon, because that means some day when we finally land on some place that's populated we can really freak out the indigenous people. It's one thing for an Earth probe to plunk itself down in the middle of a bunch of Grebulons on Planet X, but it's a whole 'nother level of cool to follow that up with a screaming guitar riff.

Or, if I had my way, it'd just start playing jokes at them. Feed them some Bob Hope or Henny Youngman. Do the Grebulons have roads and chickens and their own philosophies of why the latter crosses the former?

I'd love it if the first message we received back from an alien civilization was "How fat is she…?"

Then on that fateful day when UFOs finally float down through Earth's atmosphere to land on Capital Hill (or more likely Mall of America), they'll extend their ramps and out will walk a Grebulon resplendent in its silvery jumpsuit. It will pause dramatically, and then probably open with something like "We have flown across the great expanse of the galaxy to greet you in peace, and boy are our arms tired."

And we'll probably shoot him in the head. Because, you know, that's what we do. I wonder how you say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in Grebulon?