MERRY SANTAMAS
By Carrington Vanston - December 24, 2003
http://www.carringtonvanston.net/archives/santamas

This past week I've often heard people lamenting the commercialization of holidays. (By "heard" I mean "overheard," and by "overheard" I mean "ninja crawled across the restaurant and eavesdropped from under their table.") I'm not quite sure what that means, but I've thought about it and here's what I've come up with.

"Holidays" is the easy bit. Those are days that I celebrate something. I usually celebrate by not working, which is itself something to celebrate so these things can drag on a bit. Examples of holidays include Christmas, my birthday, and maybe your birthday depending on how well I know you.

"Commercialization" is tougher. That's one of those words that doesn't actually mean anything. I suspect it doesn't even appear in dictionaries. (I don't know for sure because I used C through F to test whether it was easier to write by typing or by a cut-and-paste rearrangement of a dictionary. The answer is typing. Trust me on that one.) If the word does actually have a definition, then it probably would be something like "to turn into a commercial." That could mean it's trying to pitch something, or it could mean that it lasts only 30 seconds. Words are slippery that way.

"Of" is easy, too. Of just means of.

I may not know much about commercialization, but I have noticed an increasing tendency during many holidays to mix religious elements with secular things like shopping and football. Frankly, I resent the way that some zealots (I don't want to name names) try to get their beliefs attached to my holidays.

I mean, come on: do you think it's a coincidence that Jesus was supposedly born on the 25th of December--the exact same day as Christmas? Oh, please! The best holiday of the year--one that stands for shopping and eating and presents and the ritualistic killing and disfigurement of trees--and the Christians try to sneak their own guy in there too.

And not only that. I've overheard some people (I'm still looking at you, McLevon) saying that Jesus came back to life on Easter. Am I the only one who thinks that this is all just a little...convenient? Every big day in this guy's life just happened to fall on a major holiday. Riiiight. I suppose next we'll find out that he graduated on Valentine's day and he spent the August long weekend at a Holy Camping retreat.

Just how gullible are we supposed to be?

Sometimes I think people have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas. It's not a new holiday, you know. It was invented in the 1930s by Coca-Cola. The president of the company invented it as a time when people across the globe would buy the world a coke and keep them company. Not a bad marketing plan on the whole.

The president of Coke used to wear a red track suit to work. He thought it made him appear eccentric, but mostly he just looked like a doofus. He had a big white beard and a big round belly. The beard was because he'd liked his razor so much he wanted to buy that company too, but somebody else beat him to it so he was sulking and refusing to shave. The belly was because the Coca-Cola employee guide then (and now) forbade the consumption of anything but company products, and at the time coke contained liberal amounts of cocaine and turkey jerky.

Coke no longer contains cocaine as far as you know.

After enjoying a long run as the model for Santa, the president of Coca-Cola embarked on his campaign to spread holiday cheer and goodwill throughout the world. He's doing that by sending us all a message in which he lays out the secret to life, the universe, and everything capitalistic. But in a last bid to be viewed as an eccentric billionaire instead of just an insane man in huge red sweatpants he has jumbled the words of the message and is only releasing them a few per year.

That's why coke has been marketed with such silly short slogans as "always" and "adds life" and "help I've been enslaved in a bottling plant by a wild-eyed Santa who smells like turkey jerky and this is my only way to communicate with the outside world" and "the real thing." If you write down all the coke slogans and rearrange the words, you'll find the secret to eternal happiness. You can then send in the slogan along with six proofs of purchase to receive a collectible Coca-Cola tumbler.

I for one am filled with a warm glow knowing there's somebody out there looking out for our welfare while we deck the malls at this time each year. And even if that somebody is a raving looney in size 64 crimson flannel bloomers, I still sleep a little better knowing that the solution to everything is coming our way one tiny little soda slogan at a time.

So let's all take a moment during this special time of the year to reflect on the things we value most...and how much cheaper we can get them during Boxing Day sales. Let's keep the Santa in Christmas, and keep those other imaginary guys out of it.

Carrington Vanston
carrington@carringtonvanston.net

[This article is released to the public domain.]